I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
