can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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