i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
