Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
