I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
