and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
