when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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