C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
