I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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