i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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