Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
