the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i was born a porn star she said
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
