I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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