Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
