Your face is a jimmy john
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
