1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
