I wish I could teleport
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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