I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
