Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
