i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
