i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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