peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she woke up with a sticky ear
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
