i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
