Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
