There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
