Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
