i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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