im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
