Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
