I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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