When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
A+ Viking dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
