This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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