i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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