Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
