You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
