Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
