Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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