just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
