Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
