Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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