Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dating After Heartbreak
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.