kristin has been a bad kristin
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules