I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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