So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.