TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.