i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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