Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
