Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
