its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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