We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My ass is underappreciated
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
