found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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