I wish I could teleport
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
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Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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