I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
