we have officially lost it.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
