too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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