Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.