She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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