One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
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Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
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if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago