The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
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you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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