Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
