what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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