Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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