then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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